


resigned to a loneliness that will undoubtedly come

by orphan_account



Series: Vent fics with minimal editing. [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Dissociation, Dubious Sanity, Kinda, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, but what the hell eh?, more like conflicting thoughts, projecting is fun, vent fic, voices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9979715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander is not real. Nobody is. This he accepts.See series name. Hope you enjoy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Posted directly after writing. Will edit later, probably. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Written 26-2-17.

he questions his sanity.

(it was fine earlier it was fine what the hell happened)  
[you happened]

this is not new. he hasn't believed in his soundness of mind for a while. sometimes he wonders if there's a wire that was stripped, chafed by all of the stress placed upon it.

(oh god oh god I messed up again didn't I)  
[of course, dear]

people noticed. his friends noticed. he was put on medication, though he knew it was poison, that he should under no circumstances take the vile substance.

(what did I do what did I do)  
[it's alright, dear, shush]

maybe he should have taken it. he doesn't exactly care at the moment. its hard to care. at times like these he feels his face is cast in stone, can feel his mind tearing away. he wonders how many times the rip can scab over.

(god why is this happening this is my fault it's all my fault)  
[hush, love, it's ok, don't fret]

at times like these he does his best to contact people, knows he shouldn't be trusted alone. last time he refrained from speaking things went sour. he woke up the next day with holes from a thumbtack littering the back of his hand. he remembers stabbing it into his flesh again and again, waiting to feel pain. it never came.

(jesus what if they find out what if they send me away)  
[just relax, disappear with me]

he wonders of his sanity, wonders if it matters. he doesn't think it does.

(what do I do god what do I do)  
[float away]

he is speaking to john, he trusts him— trust is such a strange thing, makes you believe another wouldn't leave you at the first chance he's got even when you know in your heart he would— a thousand scenarios running through his head, errant and surreal, none of which will happen because try as he might he doesn't control this reality even when he knows it is not real

(I don't want this I swear I swear)  
[are you sure]

it becomes harder to formulate words, sentences, his mind moving slower and slower, the man with a dagger tongue and a wit like a bullet wondering is this what it feels like when your mind gives up

(what's happening)  
[hush love, slow down]

he wants to dance movement used to help before this all happened he was always moving and god how he wants to dance to the colours pervading his mind but he cannot summon the will cannot summon anything in his mind right now

(do I want this?)  
[sit down, lay down]

and just like that emotions are gone and he knows all else is too and he could stab himself with that thumbtack a million times and never feel a thing

(I don't know)  
[float away darling]

all has turned to the idle curiosity of cause and effect that is always harmless he supposes but for when he wakes with injury or an empty sheet of pills or a torn up page of the same word written over and over and over

()  
[leave]

there is nothing else to say but that reality is not real and neither is he and neither are the ones he lives but he has accepted this long ago

(ok)  
[]

it is nice to imagine they are real occasionally

()  
[thank you]

nice to pretend they won't leave as soon as he blinks

()  
[]

sometimes he doesn't know whether he's speaking to others or himself


End file.
